Losing My Cousin, by Carrie Danforth

On January 12, 1997, my best friend Ke’a and I were at Wal-Mart with her step-dad to get some food and a few other minor things they needed for the week. She was 15 and I was 14 at the time. It was around 5: 30 p.m. when we came out of the store. We noticed several fire trucks going by Wal-Mart and the fire trucks were just blaring through the city, heading to a call. We got into the truck and I thought to myself that something did not feel right. I said, “I hope it is not one of my family members.” Later that evening I did not think any more about it until the next morning when I arrived at school. I was happy, feeling pumped and ready for class and basketball practice after school. As I entered into the lobby, I sat down and waited until it was time to go to class. I noticed my sister was not at school that morning. One of the staff came over to me and looked at me in eye; she said, “Your
ride is here to pick you up.”

I said, “Why?”

“Your mom called and said she needed you to go home.”

I started to wonder why and thought, what possibly could be wrong? My bus driver knew my family and she was not saying anything either. It was strange. She always talked to me and we kept each other company because it was an hour and half drive home. As we got closer to home I started to feel something was really wrong; my hands were sweaty and I became worried. I kept saying to myself, “Stay strong and positive!” 

The moment the bus driver pulled in to my parents’ yard, I felt butterflies in my stomach. The curtains were closed and it was dark inside the house. I stepped out of the car and got my backpack and my bag; I headed to the stairs to go into the house. As I was coming up to the stairs, I saw my mom open up the door to let me in. When I finally reached the top of the stairs, I entered the house and saw my cousin Jamie sitting on the couch. He looked at me and said, “Please sit down next to me.” I said okay and my heart started to race and I started to frown.  I sat down and noticed tissues everywhere and sad faces.

My dad and Jamie started talking and they both looked at me and said, “There’s bad news.”

I said, “Oh no. What is it?”

My dad said, “Your cousins Matthew and Atalie were killed in an automobile accident last night around 5:30 p.m.” 

That moment hit me really hard and I started to cry my heart out. My cousin Jamie hugged me and said things will never be the same for either of us. My cousin Matthew and I were so close growing up. He was my best friend who taught me sports, games, camping, took me places, and we spent a lot of time together before he passed away. 

After learning about my cousin passing away, I had a hard time accepting it. I never will forget that evening because we were at Wal-Mart when all of the fire department was heading to the accident. My gut was right the night before when I knew something was not right. That morning the news came on, and I saw the picture of the accident that my cousins were killed in. Seeing the picture of the accident brought tears to my eyes. It was so emotional to watch it on T.V. It was on the news for three days. It was a head-on collision, the roads were icy, and there was a hill where a driver could not see if there was another car coming.  A mother and two small children were in the other vehicle. The mother ended up paralyzed, and the two children had minor injuries.

After 18 years, I still have this fear when winter comes. I worry about family and friends when they are driving in this weather. When it is storming, I get really scared when I have to travel with my children to school. Every time I see an accident during the winter, those butterflies come back. I know it’s been 18 years, but I don’t know if the anxiety will ever go away.