My Eating Disorder, by Raya Lasiewski

(May be triggering for some people.)

Have you ever been consumed with the thought of food 24/7?  Thinking about when you’re eating next and what you’re eating next? Thinking about the number of calories you just had and trying to figure out how you’re going to get rid of them, either by exercise or purging? Well, this is how my life has been for three years now.

It’s tough living with an eating disorder. You make up lies so you don’t have to eat with people around you, and it is so confusing when you have been doing it for a long time. You make excuses for why you can’t hang out because you feel people are watching you eat. Also, you fear that people are saying, “Why would she eat that? She’s already fat; she doesn’t need that in her body.”

Those who diet are seven to eight times more likely to develop an eating disorder than those who do not diet. Fifty percent of teenage girls use unhealthy weight-control behaviors. Approximately 11% of high school students have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Eighty-one percent of 10-year-olds are afraid of being fat.

My junior year of high school was a very tough year for me. At the beginning of the school year, I decided to diet, just to lose a few pounds for the Homecoming dance. I have been on small diets that have only lasted a day because I didn’t have the strong will, so I thought this one would be the same. 

Thirty-five percent of normal dieters progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 20-25% progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders.

At first, it was just skipping lunch.  I either gave my lunch to my friend or I threw it away.  During lunch I would only have a diet Dr. Pepper. I remember I refused to have Diet Coke because it had more sodium then diet Dr. Pepper. I would still have breakfast and dinner. On the weekends I would pig out. After a few weeks of doing that, I had breakfast and dinner on weekdays, barely eating on weekends. 

I started cutting my food intake for breakfast, but I still ate dinner; I barely had food on weekends. After that, I cut my food intake during all meals all the time. I would get a high from not eating; it was the same high that people get when they do drugs. I remember how those highs made me feel good and relaxed. I loved it. I wanted it more and more. I loved going to karate class hungry. I was excited that I was going to lose even more weight from that.

I lost weight pretty quickly. Before the diet, I weighed 150 lbs. Two months later at my Homecoming dance, I was 135 lbs. I went from a size 12, almost 14, to a size 7. For my 17^th birthday, I was 125 lbs and a size 5. My mom loved that I was on a diet. I received so much praise for my weight loss. I felt good. Then somehow it wasn’t good enough for me. 

All of a sudden, my size wasn’t small enough. I felt fat. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw was fat. I didn’t like how I looked. I didn’t like having a belly. I hated my thighs. My arms looked huge.

When I went shopping when I was younger, I couldn’t buy certain tops because they were tight around my arms. I couldn’t buy mini shorts or miniskirts because my thighs were too huge. They would look horrible on me because they were made for the skinny girls. I couldn’t buy slim-forming tops because they were made for skinny girls, as well. I wasn’t one. I would cry in the store because I was mad that I couldn’t fit into anything.

 

During my diet, I weighed myself every day and also told my friend how much I weighed every day at school. I was so proud of myself for having such a strong will. My days would be based on how much I weighed. If I lost a pound I would have a great day. If I weighed more, then I would try to eat less than the previous day. My self-worth would be based on how much I weighed. I felt uneasy on the days when I couldn’t weigh myself because my parents were in the bathroom. I needed to know how much I weighed.

I knew there were changes happening in my brain due to my diet. I was very irritatable and uneasy about everything. Many people with eating disorders suffer from low self-esteem, feelings of helplessness, and intense dissatisfaction with the way they look. My school grades dropped from A’s and B’s to C’s. My English teacher told us about an extra-credit opportunity, and I couldn’t have cared less. 

I was never like that before. I was the one who was on top of things and doing extra credit. My English teacher told me to stay after class one day. She asked me if anything was wrong and I said no. She asked me that because I had melt downs in her class all the time. Also, I refused to take extra credit.

One time in class, when we were reading The Glass Castle, our English teacher asked us what we ate that day for lunch. I was the only one who said I didn’t eat lunch. Then she asked me if I liked food. I told her I hated food. Food and I were not on good terms. My mom noticed my behavior changes, and she asked me what was going on. I told her she wouldn’t understand. I said this all the time. She would get mad whenever she heard this from me.

Today, I am still struggling with an eating disorder. It has been five years since it started. At this point in life I know it’s a problem and I know I need help for it. Going through all the struggles from this has made me realize how much I don’t want anyone else to struggle with it as I have. I am getting my bachelor’s degree in social work. I would like to be an eating disorder therapist one day and raise awareness of eating disorders.